I am the son of farmers, and I became a teacher in the north of France. I did my coming out at 20, after my year in Erasmus. My mother immediately accepted my homosexuality, my father less. This summer, I returned to my parents in the west of France because the doctors diagnosed my mother with generalized, incurable cancer. The perspectives are bad. I therefore became a caregiver, immersed in a “total experience” like those defined by the English sociologist Erving Goffman.
I am also separating from the one who had been my companion for six years, Adrien. I am hard, uncompromising sometimes, but his lack of commitment poses me problem, I lose self -confidence. He’s already gone twice. At the end of June, I connect to Tinder, I meet men, we’re going to take glasses. There is Aurélien, who is funny but I don’t like, Théophile, that I kiss, even if I am not yet single. We spend the night together, I don’t like sleeping alone, it’s ugly the nights on my own. We do not sleep together, I can’t want to want when it is not a successful emotional relationship.
In Brittany, Adrien does not support me much. I am writing a letter of three pages, I need him to take a step towards me. “If things do not change, the only solution is that we separate.” He relies on this only sentence and calls me: “OK, we separate.” “I told you that I love you and that I want more, however, “I replied. But he does not take into account my opinion, he rushes into the breach, as if he were afraid of taking the initiative to leave me. He had sworn my mother never to put me in the states where he had put me when he had left me the two times previous. The first time, in particular, I found myself alcoholic, screaming with sadness in the streets until my arm is biting. My friends, worried about my immense distress, had even called my brother. I have no memory of this incident.
So it’s over with Adrien. I take care of my mother, who resists and goes a little better at the start of the fall. I reinstall Tinder. From the Breton campaign, it is necessary to widen the perimeter at 100 kilometers to catch profiles in the large cities around. I speak with guys from Rennes, Vannes or Brest. I match with Titouan: on his first photo, he is crouching next to a pack ice, on the second he blows in his hands with glaciers in the background, on the third he has clear jeans and, I believe, Brown eyes.
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